Time to Reflect

Friends:

It has been a little over two weeks since my dad passed away. It still seems a bit surreal, but I feel as though I owe you, myself, and my dad a final thank you. It was 13 weeks from the date my dad was diagnosed to the day of his funeral. At 3:30 a.m. on July 24th, my dad took his final breath, and while I was asleep dreaming of him doing just that and the phone ringing from the hospice, I was awoken to the sound of the phone actually ringing. It was an odd feeling to be dreaming reality. I was able to see some of you at the funeral home and the funeral, but I spoke with all of you during that time and I assure you, it meant the world to me to know you were there!

My dad had so many patients come to pay their final respects and every one of them told us that my dad always talked about me and Matty. Whether it was me on TV or Matty's wedding, they all talked about significant events in our lives and it was a blessing to know that my dad was proud of us, or bored in his own life and didn't have much else to talk about :) I even had one woman tell me how my dad talked about not being able to wait to walk me down the aisle! She is lucky I didn't slug her right there, but she was old, so I will forgive her for her total lack of common sense. Speaking of old, one of my dad's patients who is pushing 110 in age, hit my car in the funeral home parking lot so I didn't know which old lady I wanted to push in the casket with my dad first!

We have begun a new normal in the Cianflone family - it's now me, my mom, Matty and Maygan. His death leaves a hole in my heart so big, but I am forced to remind myself that as much as I miss him, his last words to me were I love you. How many people are that lucky? I had time with him just the two of us before I saw him that final time (well Scoobs was there too cuddled on his lap and it made my dad smile so big!) and I must be thankful for that closure. I pray that all of you reading this won't have to experience what I am going through for many many more years, but as we all know, life is full of unexpected ups and downs. Whatever the future holds, I hope that I can be there for you all as you have been there for me. I count my blessings and am thankful for each day because I look at a picture on my fridge of the 5 of us Cianflones from last September and realize just how quickly life can change.


Thank you all very much!

xoxoxo,
Chrissy

Sitting on the sidelines

For any of you who have experienced witnessing a loved one with cancer will know that one of the cruelest parts of this disease is not only its ability to destroy the patient's mind and body, but also how it tears at the heart strings of the healthy loved ones like nothing I have ever experienced. My dad is steadily declining and is in extreme discomfort. We have moved past the 9 month pregnant belly and now it looks like he could be carrying triplets in there. The fluid is causing him a lot of pain and trouble breathing, but the problem with draining it is that it depletes electrolytes, calcium and sodium in his system. Those levels were so out of wak when he was admitted that the attending told me yesterday that if he hadn't been admitted, he would have already been dead. He got a pain patch yesterday and he is flying higher than a kite. He is still mentally pretty with it, but because he is in a constant state of la la land, there are times when he starts muttering things that don't make any sense. Yesterday I made him his favorite dish, pastina with an egg. It's something my Italian grandmother had as a kid in Italy and we have all grown up with it. It's the best comfort food in the world, and it's the only thing he wanted.

Yesterday was spent at the hospital pretty much all day, and it was a stark reminder that this disease affects so many families. Sadly the 50 year old woman in the room next to my dad lost her battle to breast cancer in the afternoon while we were there. Her family was on death watch all afternoon, including her parents, and people coming and going in the hall, cries broken up with an occasional laugh. When she passed, we heard screams and cries, and if it was even possible for my heart to be broken anymore, it was. Seeing this woman's young sons lose their mother was a stark reminder again of how blessed I am. While it still seems surreal that I am going to lose my dad, I am more at peace that I thought I could be. All of the docs and nurses that come in talk about how rare this cancer is, and you know, he just got the shit end of the deal on this, but that's life. Sometimes it just isn't fair.

What is hope?

When I started writing my blog updates, many of my friends commented on how I needed to have hope, and the eternal pessimist or perhaps just plain realist in me knew that hope was a cruel emotion. While having hope can certainly end with a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it can also remind you of how your plans for the future are out of your hands and it can leave you thinking about what could have been. It seems that after only four short months, my dad's cancer has spread and in fact not responded to chemo in the way that we "hoped." He has been in the hospital for a week now and while some of his complications have subsided, others have crept up and have taken over. I came home last night and when I got to the hospital this morning, it was right after some attending physician walked in and said to him, while he was alone with no support, that he should think about hospice because there were more tumors. My dad was distraught and just kept saying he wasn't ready to die. It broke my heart. And I let the staff hear a piece of my mind as you can imagine about the utter lack of bed side manner by that attending and the lack of compassion for my dying father. His head oncologist wants to try one more chemo drug, and tomorrow, we will hear why. I know there is no magic cure hiding in his back pocket, but if it will provide relief, then I am all for it.

I know that the dad I love is still mentally holding on, but sadly, his body is fighting and losing that battle. I am not sure what more I can post because once he passes, I am sure a post about that won't be what you all want to read, and I am sure I am not going to want to really write it either, but who knows - I never thought I could find some comfort in these updates (thanks again Randi for putting the bug in my ear). For those of you who know my dad, you know he's a great man. He's caring, funny and ridiculously smart, but he could have a conversation with anyone, regardless of race, education level, socioeconomic status and make them feel like an equal. For those of you that have never met him, meet my brother some day. He is a spitting image and equally as wonderful (most times!) He (well and Mo kind of too) is the reason I am who I am today. Strong, driven, organized and a big dork! I take after him. I get my stubborn no nonsense attitude and my strength from my mom for sure. I have no regrets and only joy for what I was given for my family. I am so grateful for every moment and wouldn't change a thing. As Matty and I talked about, there are no regrets, just heartbreak for what he will miss. Matty and Maygan's kids (notice I didn't say mine!), walking me down the aisle (notice all hope isn't lost!), another trip to Italy, talking on football Sundays after ever good and bad play (we do that - every game), and just enjoying more time with my crazy ass mom. I know there are countless more memories that could have been, but there are so many that were and for that, I will always be eternally blessed.

Thank you friends for your unwavering support. I never would have thought that my life would be like this at this moment, but I guess it never turns out like you hope, does it? xoxoxo, Chrissy

And the hits just keep on coming...

I am going to keep this one short. I still can't believe I am writing these updates on my dad. It seems surreal at times. My dad was hospitalized on Friday. Because he was too sick to get chemo, they decided he needed fluids. It's kind of ironic since his stomach is filled with it, but I guess it's a combination of him draining 2 liters a day, and nutrients not being replenished fast enough. They put in a central line and a picc line - all I can say is OUCH. I won't even tell you where they put in the central line - guys, you would cringe. He has been getting fluids non-stop. However, he did get sick yesterday and lost a lot of fluids so his blood pressure dropped pretty quickly -- it was down to 70/40. The docs apparently went into take charge mode and were able to get it up in a short period of time. Fast forward to today, I just spoke with my dad and they are now ordering physical therapy. Since he's basically been in bed for 2 weeks straight, he's lost a lot of strength. Add that to his already weak body and apparently it's much needed.

I will say the conversations I have with my family are getting increasingly more sad and it's hard being away from home. Is this enough to prompt me to move back to the 'burgh? Come on now - I haven't lost my mind YET! My dad on the phone this morning sounded defeated and my mom asked me to come home to talk about plans for what to do with my dad's dental practice since he's not able to work right now. And so here's where that strength I have been praying for hopefully will help! It's been working so far, but I tell you, this does get harder by the day. Ok - no more Debbie Downer for me today! xoxoxo to you all!

Liquor before beer...And Scooby is in the clear!

Well that title pretty much sums up my weekend. I spent most of it with friends, enjoying a glass or two or three of my drink of choice, Jamison. It was a fairly nice weekend in DC, so it was good to be outside. I debated going home to Pitt off and on all weekend, but after talking to my family, decided to stay far far away! Things have been a bit crappy now for a few weeks. My dad's chemo is getting the best of him and he spent the better part of 5 days in bed sleeping. My mom, who is used to their Friday date night ritual (for the last 39 years), is having a hard time seeing my dad like this and is feeling restless and helpless. I am the cheerleader, shrink, voice of reason, and the only sane Cianflone! All joking aside though, this was perhaps one of my hardest weekends since April. I think it finally caught up with me, all of this. I will say, I wouldn't wish the big C on my worst enemy. It's a ruthless disease that eats away at the patient and tests the strength and resolve of the family it seeks to destroy. Lucky for me, starting next Monday, I will be at the National Cancer Institute for a 4 week course on CANCER. M-F all day - cancer. Dare I say I need a new job!

As for my main man - Scoobs is all clear. He had a massive abscess in one of his canine teeth so he had to have that removed. He was flying higher than a kite for the better part of two days, and you better believe, if I could have gotten my hands on that drug, I would have :) He's all back to normal now, almost done with the antibiotics and after nearly $500 later, he's remaining teeth are pearly white.

This one's for Scooby!

So this post is all about my main man, my numero uno, my big eared and bad breathed, people loving dog - Scooby. I got Scoobs from a past relationship, no need to re-live that drama. He arrived at BWI airport in a little bag on 09-09-09. I remember picking him up at the airport thinking what in the world have I gotten myself into. He was super skinny and so shy. I couldn't get him to eat a morsel of food for quite a while and he cried uncontrollably. As time went by, he started to adjust and has really come out of his shell. He has a personality as big as his ears. (just to give you an idea - he has been called the flying nun before)

Not a day goes by that I don't walk Scooby and get stopped on the street from people yelling his name or wanting to meet this little koala bear look alike. I have come to appreciate these walks on those really bad days, because it is a given that someone will point at his ears and smile or I will hear murmurs as we pass about how cute he is.

For me, though, Scooby has become a lot more than just a cute little guy I take for daily walks or visits to Pet Smart Day Care. He is my loyal companion and has become a fixture in the family. As I mentioned before, he is my dad's sleeping buddy, and he is constant company for me. Yesterday I took the little guy to the vet and he has to have some dental surgery on Thursday. The vet said that he thinks Scooby either has an abscess or nasal tumors. When the vet uttered the c word, I almost lost it. I am not sure how much more anti-c energy I can channel, but I am adding him to the cancer sucks prayer list, just to be sure that come Thursday, the vet finds only a nasty tooth infection.

Oops - Here is the video

An Ugly Cry

So after a long day at work I came home to my little man and a Tivo full of reruns. I happened to start watching Oprah's Big Australian Adventure and then it came - the story that brought on the ugly cry. A dad, just a year older than me, diagnosed with liver and bile cancer (bile is what my dad has) and he has two young kids and a beautiful wife. It got me thinking, these two little boys have a chance of losing their dad without ever getting to know him. How cruel this disease really is. I, on the other hand, have had a long time with my dad, and how lucky I am for that.

There is not really much I want to say today other than life is way too short to worry about money - having too much or too little, too short to worry about love - having it or not, too short to worry about being able to afford the right car, the right house, or the right wardrobe. It's about enjoying every moment of every day. There are no guarantees that the road of life is paved with easy living. This isn't my soap box, but rather just an appreciation for time, my family, my friends and all of my life's experiences, good and bad!

Watch this! It's really sweet!

If only I loved being around kids...

So I have been seriously (well not really, but wanting very badly) considering buying a one way ticket back to the motherland, aka, Italy. My hatred towards cancer is growing by the day, and with all that's going on at home, I need a permanent vacation. I saw a post on FB yesterday from a childhood friend, who is living in Rome and attending the same grad school I did there, that a family is looking for an au pair in the fall in Rome. Let me tell you, despite my desire to not have kids at this point in my life, I was seriously considering emailing her! I don't think that interview would play out well.

Mom: da quanto tempo sei stato babysitter? (how long have you been a babysitter?)
Me: Mai. (never)

Mom: così si deve volere figli (so you must want children?)
Me: No. (no)

Not so sure I would be a top candidate.

(to my friend Joe - I know I probably got the Italian wrong. See ANOTHER REASON I NEED TO GO. Perfect my italiano!)

Oh and my dad is super tired this week. Selfishly this post is all about me!

More soon... Until then - can't you see why I wanted to go from this picture??

Who wouldn't want to snuggle with Scoobs?

So with Father's Day this past weekend, I made my what feels like my 100th trip to Pitt this year. My dad had chemo on Thursday so I made it home in time to see the effects kick in. He was exhausted but rallied enough for the 5 of us to have dinner together on Saturday night. He managed to take a nap on Saturday afternoon with his main man by his side - Scoobs! Yep, Scooby has become my dad's napping buddy. I think the fact that my parents got a new comfy bed in an effort to help alleviate my dad's back pain before the diagnosis only adds to the little man's desire to be curled up next to gram-pa. (Yes, I refer to my parents as Scooby's grandparents - since that's probably the closest they'll get from me!)

Sunday my dad had a really rough day. He was in a lot of pain, which was really hard to see. It was probably the hardest day since his diagnosis, actually. There is nothing more awful than seeing a parent in pain and there isn't a thing you can do about it. I can't even put into words how sad I was. Damn cancer! On the flip side, I was able to witness something so grotesque and fascinating at the same time though. The visiting nurse came right before I hit the road to help drain my dad's stomach. He had a permanent drain put in a week or so ago so he can drain the fluid at home. I have a weak stomach for medical fluids and this was no exception. I watched with one eye open, and confirmed my career choice to work in the administrative side of health care. God love health care providers is all I can say!

Back to Normal - Almost...

Well I don't have much to report this week, which is great news in my book. My dad had a break from chemo last week, and for a few days, it was as if he had returned to his good old self. My mom called me crying with tears of joy she was so happy that he was feeling good. I promptly told her to shut it and stop wasting the good moments with tears. She really needs to get a hold of that, or I need to buy stock in kleenex. I think for her, she was happy they were eating out two nights in a row. A former staple for them since my mom and the kitchen aren't exactly close friends.

The one thing that did happen last week was that my dad had a permanent drain installed so that he can take out the fluid in his stomach at home. A visiting nurse came by a few times to help, and he gets to remove a liter a day. It's like talking to a kid who is excited about discection in science class. Every day my dad calls and says, I took out another liter today. He is excited, and I am grossed out! But, it makes him feel better, so WOW - THAT'S COOL DAD!

This week chemo starts back up again. He will have it on Friday and will see the oncologist first to check in. I was planning on going home this weekend since it is father's day, but I have a fundraising event for the American Cancer Society on Saturday night and I am going with my boss, not so sure I can miss this one. So I am undecided what I am going to do about Sunday, but as my mom said, I wasn't home for mother's day, so it's ok if I miss this one too! Oh Mo...

The Breakfast of Champions: Nails

So it's taken me a bit of time to recover from my time at home for my Aunt Mabel's funeral. In typical Italian fashion, much time was spent in the funeral home, reconnecting with family, eating, and of course, dressing all in black. I must admit, with all of the bright summer color clothes I recently purchased, it was nice to return to my wardrobe of all black - remember it's lengthening and slimming (so I tell myself). My cousin Paula asked me to read a poem at the funeral home. Looking at all of my relatives in tears, I walked up to the casket and read a great poem about a conversation between God and an angel on what "ingredients" make the perfect mother. After reading the poem, one of my aunt's asked me how I was able to get through that without crying. She asked me what I ate for breakfast - nails? I think that was a compliment to the my strength. Luckily no one has camera access to my apartment - I am not always tear free lately.

When I was home, I was able to spend some time with my dad, which was awesome. Thursday of last week he had a great day! He went to work, didn't nap during the day and even made it out to dinner - in public! First time in 7 weeks. It was so nice to have him out and about, if only for a day. Upon my return to DC for the New Kids Concert (sidenote, those guys still got it going ON - Donnie without a shirt on is pretty yum), my mom called to say that my dad was being rushed to the hospital for shortness of breath. Turns out that pregnant belly of his keeps growning and the fluid buildup after chemo on Friday made it hard for him to breathe. They kept him in all weekend and were able to drain the fluid - wait for it - 13 liters! That's almost the equivelent of 7 bottles of coke! He went from a 44 in stomach to 38 in 3 days. He's home now and feeling better. No chemo this week so he can rest up and let that stomach relax. Think I should get him some of that cream expectant moms use to help keep stretch marks at bay?

Good News and Bad

Well I'll start with the good news. My dad had his first chemo treatment on Friday and had 4 liters of fluid drained from his stomach, which provided him much relief. In typical fashion, I called to check on him and he was so excited to tell me the news. It wasn't that he was feeling better or that he was having a great day, but rather, the resident that was taking the fluid from his stomach was HOT and SINGLE. He was working his magic to try and set us up he said. Now, in 33 years, my father has RARELY meddled in my relationships. There have been the occasional comments of thank God he's gone, but otherwise, nothing like this. I think he sees it as his mission to find me a man that he approves of, since I have been unsuccessful in that department to date.

The bad news is that my wonderful great aunt Mable, aka my grandmother #3, or the nice and normal one, passed away late Saturday night from pancreatic cancer. She fought bravely and was peaceful towards the end. I will be sad to see her go, since she was my Italian grandmother's sister, and she was the one who provided the ying to my grandma's yang (hidden message: she was complimentary when good old grandma was not!)

I'm headed back up to Pitt tomorrow morning to represent the family since my dad is too sick to go to the viewing and will be in chemo for the funeral.

I am waiting for the silver lining to come out of these dark clouds of recent weeks. However, patience is running a bit thin these days. Good news is Friday night, I will have a bit of an escape - New Kids On The Block return to DC and I will be there to relive my youth, yet again!

So It Goes From Bad to Worse...

Well we can forget my mission to have a campaign for the cancer of question marks. My dad met with the oncologist today and got a definitive diagnosis. Cholangiocarcinoma - aka - cancer of the bile ducts - aka silent killer. There are 1-2 cases per 100,000 or about 2,000 - 4,000 per year. This is what is known about this kind of cancer. Cholangiocarcinoma is considered to be an incurable and rapidly lethal disease unless all of its tumors can be fully resected (cut out surgically). There is no potentially curative treatment except surgery, but unfortunately most patients have advanced and inoperable disease at the time of diagnosis. So reading that is a total DOWNER. On a POSITIVE NOTE - Chemo has been shown however to extend survival and improve quality of life so that's a good thing. Look at me looking at the bright side. Who would have thought I'd be an optimist?

So here's to focusing on the positive my friends. Chemo starts tomorrow! And my dad is having his "pregnant" belly drained too. Both, the doc said, will provide him with relief! Also, tomorrow my mom and dad celebrate 39 years of marriage. That's a LONG TIME. Hell, I usually can't make it past 39 days with a guy! But given my recent choices, perhaps that's a good thing!

The Pink Ribbon vs. The Question Mark

There's no doubt that the face of cancer has become the pink ribbon. I was getting a cup of coffee recently and they put a pink ribbon sticker on the lid, seriously, do I need a reminder with my morning crack fix? If ever there were some creative marketing geniuses, it was the folks who invented that pink ribbon. The yellow bracelet is a close second - that's a joke for my SK friends! You may ask where this is going? Well, perhaps no where important, but my dad's diagnosis has been finalized - 5 weeks after finding out he has cancer - the pathology reports are in ... drum roll ... STILL UNKNOWN PRIMARY.

Yep, my pops is one of the thousands of people out there with an unknown cancer type. From what I gather, it basically means there is no primary tumor source. So no kidney, no pancreatic, no bile duct and no stomach cancer like they had thought over the past few weeks. All they know is that the cancer cells are typical with those found in gastric cancers, which means chemo is more or less a crap shoot. (perhaps I am being a little more negative than what that means in reality, but I think you get the gist). He starts chemo on Friday and will go in 6 week intervals. We shall know more in a few weeks time whether it's working...so for now, I might have to come up with a creative question mark pin to show my support for my dad. Since, go figure, the Cianflone's have the be unique with this unknown random diagnosis! At least we're consistent in our drama!

Here's to kicking this question mark's ass!

Patio Furniture, Pansies and a Pregnant Looking Belly

So you might be thinking what do the P's in the title have to do with each other - well that was my weekend in a nutshell. I was back in the 'burgh to hang with the rents and let me start by saying, my dad, while sadly a shell of himself weight wise, looks 8 months pregnant. It's actually a little amusing, if you can find any humor in cancer. He calls it baby belly, and while it's a sight to be seen, it sadly does cause him discomfort. Something about the pressure on his diaphragm makes it hard to eat, so he has to eat bite sized portions. For all of my Safe Kids friends, think small parts tester size!

We didn't hear any word from the doctor with lab results like we were supposed to on Friday, so the weekend was spent trying to go about life as usual - meaning they put me to work the entire weekend. I ran errands like a crazy person and did everything from wash the car, only to have the trunk filled up with dirt from the plants my mom decided to buy AFTER we got the car cleaned; putting together new lawn furniture for the back porch, just in time for my brother to look like the hero bringing dinner from the family's favorite restaurant, and lastly, trimming hedges that were so much taller than me, I was covered in crap as the leaves and branches fell on my head before making their way to the ground.

All in all, it was a good weekend. Scooby didn't kill my parents dog, my dad got much needed rest and I took Mo out for an evening of laughs - GO SEE BRIDESMAIDS! We both laughed for 2 hours straight and the evening didn't even end with jokes about me being single! What more could I ask for? Of right, a cure!

Ups and Downs

So we are T minus a week and a day until the last Oprah show. I was watching the episode last night on TiVo and she was visiting with Ralph Lauren at his home in Telluride. Made me want to move to Colorado, or just seek out his oldest son, who seems to be single! Anyway, as her show draws to an end, I seem to be more interested in the O emails I get on a daily basis, highlighting of course, her new network OWN, but also some nuggets of goodness from the past 25 years.

The O email today couldn't have been more perfect for the kind of day I am having. It highlighted an article about mental rest and relaxation in the midst of personal turmoil. Hmmm - dad has advanced cancer - yep, I think that qualifies! Martha Beck (one of the contributors to the famed book, The Secret), spoke about how from the minute you are born, there was no escaping the ups and downs of life, so it's best to put your seat belt on and prepare yourself for the ride. So what am I going to try doing from here on out: Relax, Be Fearless, Listen to My Body for Stressors, and REST!

Here's to you Oprah for once again giving me an a ha moment! Now, let's see how hard it is to practice these 4 little steps! I'll give you a hint - I've talked to my mom 5 times already today and it's only 3. Might be a little harder than I want, but I'm going to give it a valiant effort.

Cancer - One Month Later

My family's life recently changed forever - a month ago I was sipping BBCs (the best drink ever - Bailey's, Banana Rum and Coconut) with my dad in the Caribbean and a week later I was at his bedside in the hospital. On a Wednesday morning at 6am my cell phone rang to a random Pittsburgh number - it was my father's primary care doctor. He was calling to tell me my dad had cancer and it had spread throughout his body. I needed to come home. Oh, and I also needed to not talk to my mother for the next hour because they didn't want to break the news to her while she was driving into the city. Ignoring my mom's calls is something I am NOT GOOD AT! You'd think I would have learned by now. I immediately called my brother in tears to break the news to him. He was stoic and held it together. I, on the other hand, was blatantly ignoring the phone ringing with the caller id blaring me in the face - Mom's cell, and while in a frenzy to pack a bag and get the dog ready to go, dropped my new iphone4 in the toilet just before getting ready to head to the 'burgh.

Fast forward: I have a new phone (thank you Verizon for the tissues and the new phone) and the trip to Pittsburgh revealed that the cancer was on my dad's kidney, liver, spine, lungs and in his bones. WTF! They took a biopsy of the tumor on his liver and decided to do radiation on the tumors on his spine. One month later, there is no definitive diagnosis. To date we have heard from the doctors that it could be kidney, pancreatic, bile duct and even stomach cancer - with pancreatic and bile duct being the scariest options cause well basically, no one survives these cancers long term. Hell, people barely survive 6 months after diagnosis, although my lovely 85 year old aunt with a pig valve in her heart has lived 13 months with terminal pancreatic cancer, so there are exceptions. The lab results are due to come back this week from some special place in California with a definitive diagnosis. We shall see what the white coats have come up with this time. My brother is convinced they are going to say something lame like cancer of the pinky toe next.

In the mean time, each day has been filled with ups and downs. My dad is exhausted but to his credit, is still working - I think mainly to stay sane and away from my recently retired mom. My mom is strong but has decided to put me on speed dial. Well I guess I have been on speed dial for years, as any one of my past co-workers can tell you; however, now those moments come with greater frequency, if that was even possible. My brother and sister in law are fantastic and thankfully close to my family so they can visit often - I am complimenting them now, because they leave for Italy on Sunday and I am horribly bitter! I expect lots of nice things from the motherland upon their return. I am the support from afar. Lucky for my family I work in a cancer institute so I have answers and resources at my fingertips. Unlucky for me I work in cancer. No break from the insidious monster for this girl.