Sitting on the sidelines

For any of you who have experienced witnessing a loved one with cancer will know that one of the cruelest parts of this disease is not only its ability to destroy the patient's mind and body, but also how it tears at the heart strings of the healthy loved ones like nothing I have ever experienced. My dad is steadily declining and is in extreme discomfort. We have moved past the 9 month pregnant belly and now it looks like he could be carrying triplets in there. The fluid is causing him a lot of pain and trouble breathing, but the problem with draining it is that it depletes electrolytes, calcium and sodium in his system. Those levels were so out of wak when he was admitted that the attending told me yesterday that if he hadn't been admitted, he would have already been dead. He got a pain patch yesterday and he is flying higher than a kite. He is still mentally pretty with it, but because he is in a constant state of la la land, there are times when he starts muttering things that don't make any sense. Yesterday I made him his favorite dish, pastina with an egg. It's something my Italian grandmother had as a kid in Italy and we have all grown up with it. It's the best comfort food in the world, and it's the only thing he wanted.

Yesterday was spent at the hospital pretty much all day, and it was a stark reminder that this disease affects so many families. Sadly the 50 year old woman in the room next to my dad lost her battle to breast cancer in the afternoon while we were there. Her family was on death watch all afternoon, including her parents, and people coming and going in the hall, cries broken up with an occasional laugh. When she passed, we heard screams and cries, and if it was even possible for my heart to be broken anymore, it was. Seeing this woman's young sons lose their mother was a stark reminder again of how blessed I am. While it still seems surreal that I am going to lose my dad, I am more at peace that I thought I could be. All of the docs and nurses that come in talk about how rare this cancer is, and you know, he just got the shit end of the deal on this, but that's life. Sometimes it just isn't fair.