What is hope?

When I started writing my blog updates, many of my friends commented on how I needed to have hope, and the eternal pessimist or perhaps just plain realist in me knew that hope was a cruel emotion. While having hope can certainly end with a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it can also remind you of how your plans for the future are out of your hands and it can leave you thinking about what could have been. It seems that after only four short months, my dad's cancer has spread and in fact not responded to chemo in the way that we "hoped." He has been in the hospital for a week now and while some of his complications have subsided, others have crept up and have taken over. I came home last night and when I got to the hospital this morning, it was right after some attending physician walked in and said to him, while he was alone with no support, that he should think about hospice because there were more tumors. My dad was distraught and just kept saying he wasn't ready to die. It broke my heart. And I let the staff hear a piece of my mind as you can imagine about the utter lack of bed side manner by that attending and the lack of compassion for my dying father. His head oncologist wants to try one more chemo drug, and tomorrow, we will hear why. I know there is no magic cure hiding in his back pocket, but if it will provide relief, then I am all for it.

I know that the dad I love is still mentally holding on, but sadly, his body is fighting and losing that battle. I am not sure what more I can post because once he passes, I am sure a post about that won't be what you all want to read, and I am sure I am not going to want to really write it either, but who knows - I never thought I could find some comfort in these updates (thanks again Randi for putting the bug in my ear). For those of you who know my dad, you know he's a great man. He's caring, funny and ridiculously smart, but he could have a conversation with anyone, regardless of race, education level, socioeconomic status and make them feel like an equal. For those of you that have never met him, meet my brother some day. He is a spitting image and equally as wonderful (most times!) He (well and Mo kind of too) is the reason I am who I am today. Strong, driven, organized and a big dork! I take after him. I get my stubborn no nonsense attitude and my strength from my mom for sure. I have no regrets and only joy for what I was given for my family. I am so grateful for every moment and wouldn't change a thing. As Matty and I talked about, there are no regrets, just heartbreak for what he will miss. Matty and Maygan's kids (notice I didn't say mine!), walking me down the aisle (notice all hope isn't lost!), another trip to Italy, talking on football Sundays after ever good and bad play (we do that - every game), and just enjoying more time with my crazy ass mom. I know there are countless more memories that could have been, but there are so many that were and for that, I will always be eternally blessed.

Thank you friends for your unwavering support. I never would have thought that my life would be like this at this moment, but I guess it never turns out like you hope, does it? xoxoxo, Chrissy